A True Labor Of Love

It is a farmer that has bought our place.  This is not a surprise to me.  Really, more than one acre is a lot to keep, just for the sake of having a yard.  This farmer's family has already had a successful go at it in Oregon for many years prior.  His father and mother, farmers before he.  I wanted to be a farmer.  To wake everyday, to what I thought could be my labor of love.   But now I realize farm life is not for me, it's true some professions are just not for everyone.

It's funny how we pass down our labors to our children, the son of a doctor becomes a doctor, the son of a preacher, a farmer, an oil man, often we grow into these suits already laid out for us.  I don't think it's always because of pressure, nor is it just convenience.  I think often it just makes sense.  But you see, my mother worked in the casinos, and my father was a car man. Neither of these professions for me ever really made sense.  So at seventeen, I packed up my car and went off on my own journey, to find something, that would really get under my skin.  Since then I have been responsible for many financial gains, and many financial losses.  I've made my share of career options, my share of envious adventures, and even had my quarter life crisis.  

You see, finally I understand.  I have been searching for a place, a profession, an amount of money, an obstacle, a challenge, something to finally keep me grounded.   I created the most unthinkable, manifested the most challenging idea I have ever come up with. Surely after all the hard work, I wouldn't dream of throwing this off grid life away.    But the soul doesn't work that way.  It does not rationalize, it does not way the pros and cons, it doesn't mind being wrong.

Truthfully for me, what gets under my skin, my labor of love, has always been the same and it's been here all along.   It's been shoved aside by my own self doubt.  Quietly piling up in the corner of my any given home.  It's been with me for every journey, it's been gathering dust, making that moving box just a little heavier each time, making me just a bit more stubborn, and a bit crazier inside.  As I pack up that box one more time, I'm laughing happily insane I guess.  I think of a quote I once read,

Say not, "I have a found the truth," but rather, " I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul," Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."

Every life change, so that this might be a better life to write about.

Every hour of work, so that I might write with less guilt, that writing doesn't pay the bills.

Every heartache, every pleasure , inspires me to write.

And though it's my passion, I some how don't feel worthy.  I am not the daughter of writer, I have not been so endowed.  Who am I to I think I have anything to say?  So I continue on my plight to find something else to keep me grounded, a better job, a better zip code, a better cause.  Today this ends.   It has meant the world to me, those who have said they would continue to read, even though, I suppose Ex Big Island Off Gridder, may now be a more fitting blog roll :)  Maybe I'll turn this blog into a book, maybe I''ll write a memoir, but I have to try and do this.  Nothing else will work for me, it's just the way it is.  It's my labor of love, and it cannot be replaced.

And to anyone that might be thinking of turning their life upside down to find a deeper meaning, I say go for it, for sometimes the obvious answer, is hidden deep in our own self doubt. 

As for the move I'm truly looking forward, with all this yard work aside, I should have more time to write!  LOL